Chester

Scene: 5 am. Light breeze blowing through our open window. Andy and I sleeping peacefully before the morning light. (Read: Andy turned to the side while I attempt to cuddle with his shoulder blade.) We jolt upright as we hear the blinds being thrashed. No, our first thought is to not grab the gun, even though we live in the 5th dangerous city in America. (This fact is most likely false. Please do not google anything you read in my blogs.)Also, if I were to grab the gun in my half-awakened state, I would have probably yelled, "PULL!" then shot the ceiling, hence warning any would-be burglars of our presense. Also warning them the lady in the back room is a lousy shot, go for her first.

My first thought is Chester the Cat is trying to sneak in through the window. Chester has a kitty door. Why would he jump into our window?(It's true. A door for little animals. He comes and goes as he pleases, similar to a teenager. He also only visits us for food and a bed, then yells at us if he wants attention. Sometimes I wait up for him, but then I think of the time we went to the vet for a good, old-fashioned de-balling. So I do not have to worry about him knocking up teenage female kitties. Then I remember we have been locking the kitty door lately because Chester likes to come in and eat the butter on the counter. He eats gobs of butter at a time, it's impressive. But THEN I remember we bought a butter dish for butter eating situations and stopped locking the kitty door. It's fun to lock the door at random times though and then pull out the 'ol vacuum cleaner. Chester freaks and tries to run out his door only to slam straight into it. Then he circles around and tries to go for it a second time even faster, thinking it magically opened after the first head bashing. Top notch free entertainment.

Realization: EVIL CHESTER. Evil Chester is Chester's twin, only uglier. His owners shaved him not unlike Mr. Bigglesworth. He has pointy ears and a swingy belly and lots of extra skin. He is not afraid of us, even though we have shot him multiple times with a pellet gun. (And by we, I mean Andy. He never lets me shoot him.)

The Truth: 5 am. Chester and Evil Chester roaming the streets together. (We followed Chester one time. His roaming the streets include licking the sprinklers and chasing bugs. Not the gang related "roaming the streets" you have come to know, believe me.)Chester invites the Evil One INSIDE for a drink and some butter. Then rather than going out through the in door, Evil Chester sneaks in our room (probably drunk on butter and feeling invincible) and jumps out the window.

Chester has since been locked out of the house. We almost tried the other punishment (vinegar), but the last time that happened, it cost us one three hour trip to a Quick Care, a hundred dollars worth of antibiotics, and permanent scarring, both physically and emotionally. We also were asked if we wanted to report the "animal" that did the attacking to the authorities. I resisted showing the doctor the picture of Chester drooling all over my pants. Sadly, he drools when you give him a head rub.("Yes doctor, take the animal away, he is a menace to society, my dry cleaning bill, and the local sprinklers. Lock up your butter, Chester is loose!")He cries every once and awhile until I throw him a cube of dairy. This seems to satiate his primal needs (Who knows, maybe lions like butter. Perhaps someone should ask them, then maybe lions wouldn't go around killing people and Simba would have a father.) and then he goes off to complete whatever kitty rounds that need to be done that day (i.e. pee in a bush, lick a rock, chase and never catch some pigeons, etc.)

He is currently snoozing in his kitty bed, unavailable for comment.

Sleeping off a butter hangover.