My Birth Story

Did you really think I was going to tell you my birth story? You fool. No one really wants to hear a birth story. Unless you have done it and you want to compare horror stories. Yes, your labor was the worst, you win.

So this is really "How to Have a Baby in 15-16 Easy Steps." (The last step is recommended, but not required.)

1. Try to get pregnant. And it is NOT as easy as your parents led you to believe. It does not take just one time. It takes SO MANY TIMES. It becomes more of a business transaction really. "Thank you, come again." (Did you totally say that like Apu from The Simpsons? You did, admit it.)

(Upon proofreading this post, I caught the pun. No, I will not delete it. That is the funniest thing I have ever written in my life, and that was on accident.)

2. If that doesn't work, go see a specialist. No, not that kind of specialist, like an actual doctor.

3. Pee on a stick for the seemingly thousandth time. See a positive sign for the FIRST time.

4. Cry. Laugh. Cry again. Panic slightly.

5. Call doctor to schedule a blood test to confirm that there is indeed a tiny tadpole inside of you. Get asked if you peed on a stick and it was positive. Answer yes. Demand a blood test anyway. Get told, "Honey, you pregnant."

6. Schedule a blood test anyway.

7. Wait 9 months. Hahaha, FOOLED YOU, 10 months. (See blog post about this here. Read Step 3: Having a Baby.)

8. After baby gestates for 41 (yes.) weeks, begin having contractions. Confuse them for gas.

9. Have "gas" for 4-6 hours.

10. Go get some really, really good coffee and pastries, because hey, a baby is coming soon and when is the last time you will be able to do that?? Barista will ask when baby is due. Say, "Maybe in a couple hours." Receive horrified looks from all surrounding baristas and customers.

11. Get questioned by husband multiple times if he should start timing these so called gas pains. Answer NO. Get questioned again. Answer nothing as it begins to hurt so bad YOU CAN'T TALK. Husband will begin timing when you cannot speak because you never not speak. So you must be having a baby.

12. Go home. Follow all the nurses' advice and take a shower to "relax." HAHAHAHAHA.

13. Get in car and go to hospital.

14. Do not start pushing in the car. The baby will not come in the car. That is not a thing. (Well, I guess it is a thing, but it won't happen to you. Probably.)

14. Arrive at hospital. Check in. Nurse will ask when contractions started. Put head on counter and groan. Husband will answer all following questions for what is the foreseeable future.

15. Have baby!!

See, now wasn't that easy?

PS:

16. Drink a glass of wine. You've earned it.